Please note that this is not a chapter on how to become a pessimist. It’s not something you really want to be if it is not already deeply ingrained in your nature. Nor is it a question of “coming out of the closet”. Pessimists are never really in the closet. It is not something we keep to ourselves. We are more than willing to share our dismal views with anyone who will listen.
Nor is it a chapter that will try to convert you from pessimism with some unexpected final twist. There are no magic words anyone can say, no magic potion that will change you from a pessimist into an optimist. There is not even a proven course of hard work and personal struggle that will get you there. Pessimism is a life long condition.
Rather, this is a chapter for those of you who know you are Eeyores, have always known it, and just want to get a little better at it.
Rule 1 Don’t Panic.
So you are gray and shaggy with floppy ears and a bad back. An Eeyore. A pessimist. Worse things could happen. You are different. Much of the tyranny of conformity is that we impose on ourselves. It is OK to be different. It is OK to be a pessimist. In very few theological systems will it condemn you to hell’s fire. You don’t have to move to a special island. The clubs and social groups that will exclude you for being different, you don’t really want to join. And the people at the top of the pecking order who look down on you have very short life expectancies. Just as they get ready to go off and enjoy their spoils, retire to their yachts and condos, they have massive coronaries and die like flies. Or die of a drug overdose.
Rule 2 Don’t expect to change.
Pessimism is not like smoking, a terrible habit that will ruin and shorten your life. Nor is it like dishonesty, a moral and ethical weakness that will destroy your relationship with your friends and family and eventually make you an outcast of society. It is a personality trait rather than a moral weakness.
Now this is not to say that change is impossible. If being a pessimist is really making you miserable, and you don’t in fact like being miserable, then you probably should try to change. But there are no quick fixes. This is a long and arduous road. On the same scale as the 96 pound weakling becoming Mr. Universe. You will pretty much have to devote your life to it. And even then, it only happens once in a great while. Most 96 pound weaklings go on to become 200 pound weaklings. All right, 220.
So unless it is causing you a real problem, you are better off learning to live with pessimism, learning how to become a good pessimist, than attempting to change your spots. Eeyore is quite happy being a pessimist. He is hardly likely to go into therapy or enroll himself in a support group. What’s the point?
Rule 3. Don’t blame anyone.
If you are only six years old and a real pessimist, it may be your parents’ fault. If you are any older, it is not. In western society we have gone through an epidemic of blaming everything on our parents. People in the business of selling psychological advice are all too happy to tell us that all our problems stem from some imperfection in our families. Now no family is perfect and sometimes they are pretty awful. But except perhaps in the extreme cases, the problems that we inherit from our families are simply part of the struggles that we go through as we become adults. That the problem was there when we started to grow up may be our parents’ fault. If it is still there at thirty, that is our own damn fault. Nor should we forget that for most of us, the heritage that we took into adulthood was overwhelmingly positive. There may have been a few traumas, but they were usually few and far between in the overwhelming background of loving care.
Nor is it your old boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s, your boss’s, or your spouse’s fault. Pooh didn’t make Eeyore a pessimist, nor did Piglet nor Owl nor even Tigger. Not even Christopher Robin. You can’t blame your pessimism on Nixon or Viet Nam or cholesterol. It is just one of the flavors that people, and donkeys, come in. It is no more anyone’s fault than baldness or thick ankles.
Rule 4. Be nice.
A little doom and gloom is OK once in a while, but there is no excuse for nastiness. Being mean and nasty is not part of pessimism. Eeyore was never intentionally mean. Being nasty is not OK. It is a moral failing that you should fix. It is all right to sigh when people talk to you, but if you find yourself growling and snapping at them, you need to change.
Being nice means that you sometimes have to swallow your pessimism. Destroying other people’s hopes and letting the air out of other people’s balloons is nasty. You cannot justify it as part of your inner nature. This doesn’t mean that you have to become the head cheer leader, but it does mean that you have to know when to hold your tongue.
And watch the smart ass tendency. That can easily drift into mean and nasty if you choose hapless and helpless victims.
Being a pessimist doesn’t mean you get special treatment or get to live under a special set of rules. In order to be loved, you have to love, just like everyone else. In order for people to be nice to you, you are going to have to be nice to them. People may overlook a little glumness, even learn to live with a little grumpiness, but if you are spiteful and nasty people will avoid you, as well they should. Being a pessimist means living off in a corner with a few close friends and family, it does not mean isolating yourself on an island and railing against the injustices of the world.
Rule 5. Adjust your expectations.
This seems redundant. After all the essence of pessimism is having low expectations. However, pessimists sometimes want it both ways. We sometimes want all the advantages of being like other people without paying the price. If you avoid marketing and sales and management paths, you will have a much lower income. You can’t expect the estate, the vacation condo, and the Mercedes if you choose a different path. You can’t expect to be the life of the party or the belle of the ball if you sit glumly in the corner. There are all sorts of exceptions of course, but most often you get what you pay for. If you order from the pessimist’s menu don’t expect to get served from the optimist’s kitchen.
If you really expect to get to be Vice President, to be elected to the City Council, to be grand master at the parade, you will have to give up your pessimism. These roles are reserved for optimists with their smiles and slaps on the back and “Isn’t it a wonderful day?” As a pessimist, you have chosen a different path with a different destination. So don’t spend your life following pessimist’s paths and then complain because you never get to Emerald City. That is not where pessimism leads.
It leads to a quiet life with family and a few close friends. It leads to a cottage, not a palace. A Toyota, not a Mercedes. Friends, not fame. A pleasant meal, not a fortune. These are OK choices. They are, in fact, my choices, but many would find them disappointing. Make sure you know where you are going and what you are going to find when you get there.
Rule 6 Enjoy the difference.
Occasionally a pessimist, who demands that the world accept him on his own terms, turns around and refuses to accept others on their own terms. He wants everyone to be like him. A whole forest of Eeyores. Yuuch.
Keep your pessimism to yourself as much as possible. Of course a grunt or a moan will slip out once and a while, but don’t overdo it. And for goodness sake, don’t try to convert other people to pessimism. That misery loves company is just a myth. It only thinks it does. Eeyore doesn’t really want to be around a lot of other Eeyores. He wants to be around Pooh and Piglet and Tigger and all the rest of the gang. Optimism can be taken in gulps, but pessimism must be taken in small sips. A little of it goes a long way. One Eeyore in the forest is more than enough.
A final thought
Pessimism is a way of life, not a replacement for life. Like everything else, there are good pessimists and bad pessimists. A bad pessimist will wallow in his pessimism. He uses his pessimism to hide from life. He will never attempt anything, never reach out to make a friend, never struggle to overcome a weakness. This is not the picture of Eeyore. He is a good pessimist. A good pessimist goes on living. He doesn’t expect to win the lottery or become CEO, but he keeps striving anyway. He doesn’t expect anyone to celebrate his birthday, but he is delighted when they do and pleased with his popped balloon and empty honey pot. Above all he cares about his friends and they care about him. Not such a bad life, after all.
Above all else, never take advice from a pessimist. We are always wrong.
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