So now you know more about pessimism than you ever wanted to know. The question still remains, what do you do when you wake up one morning and find that your child or parent, or worst of all, you spouse is a pessimist? An Eeyore.
Rule 1. Don’t panic.
First of all, make sure of your diagnosis. Is this real long term pessimism or just a little temporary depression because she didn’t get asked to the prom or he didn’t make the team or she didn’t get the promotion or he added another ten pounds over the holiday. There are two tests. The first is time. If the suspected pessimist gets over it in a week or a month or a year, this is not real pessimism. The second test is good news. A real pessimist will treat good news with extreme suspicion and skepticism.
This is not because pessimists believe that the world is against us. We believe the world doesn’t really care. It simply ignores us. So it is not so much the fear that the world will try to get even with us if something good happens as it is the doubt that anything good could really happen in the first place. The odds against it are too high.
If your suspected pessimist passes (or flunks depending on your point of view) these two tests, still don’t panic. Worse things could happen. Many pessimists live long and …, well, long lives.
Rule 2. Don’t expect to change him.
Pessimism is not a disease. It is not something you are going to cure. This does not mean that pessimists never change. People sometimes do change. Age, work, love, health affects us all and we all react differently. But don’t count on it. Pessimist usually stay that way. Pessimism is the way that Eeyores react to life. It is our attempt to cope. Who is to say that it is wrong? Who is to say that is abnormal? Why does it need to be cured?
Attempting to change a pessimist is not only futile, it is usually counter-productive. More likely than not, you will drive them deeper into their pessimism. Christopher Robin and the animals in the forest know this. No one ever lectures Eeyore on his pessimism, not even Owl who loves to lecture. No one carts him off to therapy sessions or enrolls him in a support group. They all accept him as he is.
Rule 3. Don’t blame yourself.
First of all, nothing that terrible has happened. More importantly, pessimism is a combination of inborn tendencies and personal response to the total environment to which a person is exposed. You are only a part of that environment. Of course, if you are a really nasty piece of work, you might be a substantial factor. But far more likely, his pessimism has roots that predate his even knowing you.
Blaming yourself may not only cause problems for you, it may also make the pessimist worse. Guilt. Pessimists have more than their share. If you start blaming yourself for our pessimism, it becomes just one more thing for us to feel guilty about. The more guilty you feel for having caused our pessimism, or even for not having been able to cure it, the more guilty we feel. There is no real issue of blame here at all, so don’t create one. As sure as you do, the pessimist will manage to grab the donkey’s share.
Rule 4. Be nice to him.
Pessimists need love too. We are not some sort of heartless or evil beings, we are just people, a little gloomy at times, but people none-the-less. Or sometimes donkeys. Pessimists are not very good at expressing appreciation for the nice things that people do for us. Eeyore never did thank Piglet properly for the violets. We sometimes get too tied up in our own problems to behave properly. I am not excusing this. It is wrong and it is common in pessimists. It is one of our many weaknesses. But we really don’t mean to be mean or ungrateful. So we ask a little patience sometimes.
The best way to treat a pessimist is like you should treat anyone else. No pity. No special “cheer up” parties or pep talks. Nor should you go to the other extreme and just ignore us. We may expect that, and even pretend that is what we want. But what we really want is to be loved and treated kindly like anyone else. Eeyore got no special treatment, but the other animals were always kind and understanding.
Rule 5. Adjust your expectations.
Pessimists are a little different. They will react differently to situations. Don’t expect your pessimist to bubble over with enthusiasm. For a pessimist, a quiet smile or a sigh may be a sign of pleasure and contentment. They won’t bounce off the walls at Christmas or jump up and down in anticipation when opening birthday presents. But this does not mean that they do not appreciate the gifts or even that they are not happy, in their way.
You should deal with a pessimist, like anyone else who is a little different, on his own terms. You should encourage him to grow and develop his talents, but you should not try to force him into being something he is not comfortable with. Don’t try to make him join the country club or switch into marketing and sales where the real money is. Help him to be a good pessimist, but don’t try to make something else out of him.
Rule 6. Enjoy the difference.
Difference is the spice of life. If we were all the same, it would be really boring. Eeyore is an important part of the menagerie. He helps make the hundred acre wood an interesting place. It would not be a better place if he were more like Pooh or Baby Roo or anyone else. It would not be as interesting and fun if he weren’t there at all. Eeyore is an important part of Christopher Robin’s world. Much of the charm of that world is that all the animals are different. Each of them contributes to that family his own talents and personality. Without any of them, it wouldn’t be the same.
We spend far too much time and effort worrying about the differences between us. Even worse we worry about the differences between us and some imaginary norm. We should spend more time and effort learning to live with these differences by dealing with each person on his own terms. We should learn to appreciate and cherish the differences. We don’t need another Pooh or another Piglet. We need an Eeyore.
The special case.
Although it is rare, there are cases on record where there is more than one pessimist in a family. More than one Eeyore in the forest. What should you do in these cases?
Panic.
Recent Comments